In an effort not to make snarky comments about dead assistant principals or the two journalism college… dandies – spiky platinum blonde hair with white tie against white shirt, natch – wandering my school looking for a scoop, I will vent by listing the sorts of people who irk me when I commute by bike… by category. Of course, I’m being selfish, but who cares?
Cars
- Yellow cab drivers who use the bike lane to idle and jabber
- Yellow cab drivers who, given plenty of space, slow down to your speed for the specific purpose of giving you an earful for not using the bike lane
- FUV* drivers that use one-way streets as drag strips
- Jersey drivers in FUVs that take up 100% of a lane
- …wearing horse-blinders
- …and still drift between the lines
- Jersey drivers who pay attention to the lights, not the traffic
- Jersey drivers in general
- Drivers that use the bike lane as turning lane
- Livery drivers who match your speed and ride alongside only to cut you off when turning at the intersection or changing lane
- Livery drivers who do random three point turns on major thoroughfares against the light
- Regular drivers who think they can do that as fast as the liveries
- Brooklyn drivers in cars that would pay a mechanic’s college tuition hurtling down a street to cut you off before you reach the intersection
- Brooklyn drivers in cars that would pay a mechanic’s college tuition thinking that the answer to speed bumps is better shocks
- …and higher suspension
- Drivers who yell because you didn’t run the red light, forcing them to wait for you to get up to speed
- Drivers who yell because you did run the red light, forcing them to shift trajectory
Bigger Cars
- Delivery van drivers who only know full go and full stop
- Access-a-Ride minibuses whose drivers think they’re in subcompact rally cars, begging the question as to whether their clients were handicapped before their service was requested
- Panel truckers who use the bike lane as parking
- Panel truckers who use the bike lane as loading zones
- City buses that cross three lanes in a deep scoop to hit the bus stop, forcing you onto the sidewalk
- Chinese Bus Co drivers who must’ve put nitro in the gas tank, considering how often they weave and gun it
- 18 Wheelers that back into an avenue
Pedestrians
- NYU students who jaywalk looking the wrong way
- Columbia students who see you approaching then stop directly in your path
- Suits who get out of taxis on the traffic side
- Suits who hail taxis twenty feet from the curb
- Suits who jaywalk without looking because they don’t hear a car coming
- Suits on cellphones who break into a run while crossing for no reason
- Hotel porters who leave carts in the bike lanes
- People who use bike lanes as extension of the sidewalk
- People who slowly walk four abreast on bike paths
- Dateline moms who LOUDLY EXCLAIM that they will CALL the COPS because you RAN a RED LIGHT in an empty intersection
Other Bikers
- Critical Mass
- Biking activists in general
- Guys on fixed speeds for whom braking is something scrubs do
- Take-out delivery guys who bike on the left side, meeting you head on
- Yuppies on road bikes with earphones on
- …riding on the left side, meeting you head on
- …after ducking out from behind a parked panel truck
In short, NY traffic in general.
*Fuck U Vehicle